Category: Humor

Jennifer Lawrence Is My New BFF!

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I didn’t know it until yesterday, but apparently the rest of the world finds Anne Hathaway to be as phony and insufferable as I do. I’ll let Slate explain:

As for La Hathaway’s win this year, Dana, I had high hopes for the awfulsomeness of her speech, and that initial breathy whisper—so stagey, yet so obviously true!—made me briefly excited to think it might wind up an epochal event. But then it devolved into an earnest litany of agents and co-stars, a speech delivered by someone whose fear of appearing ridiculous overcame her innate ridiculousness. It’s a real shame. Leave Hathaway alone, Internet! How will she blossom into the sublime flower of wondrous faux-ingenuousness she is otherwise destined to be if you keep nipping her in the bud?

For a long time I thought I was being judge-y, and awful because every time Anne Hathaway opens her mouth I kind of want to slap her until she gets so mad she behaves like a real person. But apparently I’m not the only one who thinks she’s the worst.

anne hathaway

Now, I don’t necessarily agree with Google that Hathaway is ugly — because, well, she’s not — but she does strike me as a big phony baloney. Which brings me to Jennifer Lawrence. Now, I don’t want to pit two young actresses against each other, but let’s be real… neither of them will ever see this… so whatevs… Continue reading →

Commenting on the Internet: Rules for Sane People

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Marchange, Flickr Creative Commons

I don’t know what has ever made me think commenting on the web would be a good idea. I mean, it doesn’t matter how much you think a site might have a “community” feel, and that you might be able to engage in an actual exchange of ideas with the people there. Even if it doesn’t degenerate into outright name-calling and verbal assaults, it seems that no one is capable of an actual discussion and someone always starts becoming vaguely insulting. (Just ask Liz Lemon, she found this out when frequenting Mommy Blogs.)

This has happened to me a couple of times recently. I went to one of my favorite sites, where many of the same people get into discussions day after day, and I had the misfortune to run into bullies of sorts. The kinds of people who just come at you with hostility, not matter what you’ve said, and if you try to make your point heard they just shut down. It’s as amusing as it is frustrating.

I think it’s sad that you can’t just have an exchange of ideas, but it’s clear that this is virtually impossible. Most people can’t even do this in person, why should I be surprised when they can’t be civil on the internet? So I think normal people need help navigating the world of online discussions. It’s not going anywhere, so how do we — as rational beings — deal with the not-quite-trolls, but still-pretty-nutty-internet commenters out there? Continue reading →

It’s Time to Talk About Self-Checkout

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I made the mistake of going to the supermarket on Super Bowl Sunday. That was my first mistake. I got to the grocery store closest to me and realized it was packed, so I decided to drive the extra half a mile or so to the next grocery store where they have those guns that allow you to scan your groceries as you go, bag them directly in your cart and then breeze through self-checkout. I assumed this would cut at least a few frustrating minutes off of my trip. (I would have just skipped the trip but I needed breakfast for tomorrow and ingredients for banana bread to make use of the over-ripe bananas in kitchen.) I was wrong!

I realized quite some time ago that it was completely stupid to try and go through self- checkout with a basket full of groceries unless you’ve got backup to help you bag. If you try to do it all yourself, you slow down the process and if the store is busy, you piss everyone off.

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If You Hate Cats, I’m Judging You

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I read this article on XOJane the other day: “Cats Are Evil and I Hate Them.” It’s obviously meant to draw in all the people watching LOLCatz all day and drive traffic… but it’s still annoying. And I find it even more annoying because it was written by someone from The Good Men Project (which I’m starting to find is a really misleading name). The best men I’ve known in my life have loved cats — and animals in general.

I live with these three animals. I love all three of them and their quirky personalities.

I live with these three animals. I love all three of them and their quirky personalities.

It is completely deranged to me that any person would say, “I hate [insert type of animal]” and still be considered a good person. I don’t really like rats but I don’t go around declaring my hatred of them. They serve a purpose just like every other living thing on the planet. Hell, I even named the toad that lives in my basement. (His name is Badger, in case you were wondering.) And if someone were to declare how much he hates dogs we’d write him off as some sort of uni-bomber weirdo/possible serial killer. So why is it OK to go around declaring how much you hate cats? Continue reading →

Powerball Dreamin’

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I am sitting around my house musing about what I would do if I won the Powerball jackpot…even though I didn’t buy a ticket.

I don’t generally play the lotto. Every once in a while I’ll buy a scratch off, usually because the ticket makes me laugh. I once bought one with a picture of cows being abducted by a UFO and won $40. A week or so ago I was in the grocery store with my brother and I had a couple fortunes from fortune cookies on me — one of which said “A happy life is in front of you” — so I decided to play those numbers. But generally I don’t play the lotto and often don’t even really know when the drawings are… but that doesn’t stop me from thinking about how I’d spend $550,000,000. Continue reading →

Oh No!

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This just popped up in my Facebook feed.

If this hurricane is thinking about messing with me, it should really reconsider because I am not having it!!!

After last October’s freak snowstorm knocked out power to most of Connecticut, I spent a week sleeping on the floors and couches of friends and family — while my poor cats were stuck in my cold, dark house. Before that my closing and move-in date was pushed back thanks to Hurricane Irene and the power outages that nasty ol’ witch caused.

One more power outage and I am going to lose it! So, Hurricane Sandy, consider yourself warned. If you even think about messing with my access to electricity, I will cut you… or whatever the equivalent of that is when you’re tangling with a force of nature…

Put Your Fight Face On

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Rory puts on her Fight Face.

As I’ve written many times lately, I absolutely love XOJane. In fact, I’m a little obsessed. Today, the story that caught my attention was “The Time I Almost Broke a Bottle Over a Groper’s Head on the Train.” The title should be pretty self-explanatory. But there was one part in particular that got me thinking:

Reading all of these stories about women going dead-possum in the face of harassment, and of women waiting for their attackers to just go away, makes me nearly as angry as when I witness these things in person. They will never just go away if you sit there. Scream. Flail. Act like a fucking lunatic until someone sees you. Go for the eyes, for the balls, for the throat. If you won’t, I will, and one day I will probably get hurt doing it.

I started thinking about this, and wondering which end of the spectrum I fall on. At first I thought I’d never really had an experience that would test my fight or flight response… but the more I “thunk on it” the more I realized I was  wrong. I often find myself reading about the creepy/scary/terrifying experiences women have and how they react, and I find myself saying, “This stuff doesn’t happen to me.” And I’m only kind of right about that… Continue reading →